Funky Hybrid Animals
13 Hybrid Animals you’d want to be if you were
very silly, or just really, really high.
1. Wholphins
False Killer Whale + Bottlenosed Dolphin=Even FALSER killer whale.
Half Whale, Half Dolphin. Kinda like that kid in the front row of math class - Really smart, but a bit of a weight problem.
False Killer Whale: "Hey Baby, I have NEVER seen a bottlenosed hottie like you!
2. Oak Tree Hybrids
Nature’s tree-trollop mates with anything. Species-namers commonly joke about not being able to keep up. You probably remember all those “oak trees are such whores!” jokes whizzing around the internet.
I am so freakin' horny. Hey you! Grass! Yeah you... that's quite a blade you have there, Sugar...
3. Liger
Liger – Lion & Tiger (oh my). Largest cat in the world. Except maybe that thing Abby from Abby Has Issues just adopted. BA DUM DUM! (kitty ain’t bitty).
Jungle Island, an interactive animal theme park in Miami, is home to a liger named Hercules, the largest non-obese liger (<—I like the way Wikipedia adds that “non-obese” bit in there.The other FAT liger says F-YOU, WIKI!). Hercules is recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records as the largest living cat on Earth, weighing over 904lbs. Or in Charlie Sheen-speak, about a weekend of pussy.
HIM: ROWR! I'm a tiger! No wait! Look! ROWRR! I'm a Lion! HER: Whatever. Either way you're a douche, Martin.
4. Leopon
Lion and Leopard (apparently Lions get around, but really, who’s going to stop hybrid animals that can eat you.)
Sure I'm FAB-U-LOUS! But it isn't easy with every Housewife of NJ trying to turn me into a coat/purse ensemble.
First Published in Defenestration
It’s so cute, the way your little Jessica jumps for the bow in my Chloe’s hair. Jessica has good taste, I can tell you that! Jessica is…what? Three? Oh, she’s four? So is my Chloe! They must be in the same class at Key School! No? Not in school? Oh. Well, Jessica’s only four. I understand. Chloe’s been in school since birth, but she’s 98th percentile in “attention adaptability” so we feel it would be irresponsible NOT to keep her away at school most of the time. They charge us four times as much, but it’s worth every penny.
Yes, she is quite large for her age. Funny story about that…As a baby Chloe clamped on to me and we couldn’t detach her for six days. Had to pry her little gums open with a pair of silver ice tongs and a car jack. But there’s a bright side! We’re sure that incident accounts for her 99th percentile score in “atypical evolution progression,” and it saves so much money being able to share clothes with her. Thousands, really.
Whoops! Looks like Chloe’s lodged in the slide tube! Oh don’t worry, she’s broken free of much stronger materials than that — there she goes. Told you. Nothing to worry about at all.
My friend’s daughter fell off a horse the other day, so I wrote her this poem:
The Girl Who Bounced
There once was a girl who bounced,
Off the horse, to ground, she flounced!
But she didn’t stay there
She flew up in the air
And back on the horse she pounced!
Well, I guess it is more of a limerick without anything that rhymes with “uck.”
This friend reminded me that we used to write brilliant poetry when we were young. Like her surprise-ending Spring sensation:
Spring Spring
Spring, spring,
What a wonderful thing!
Birds sing!
Bells ring!
People bring
Ling Ling
The Panda
Food.
Nobody saw that coming.
I penned the Blues classic:
There’s a Stone in my Shoe
There’s a stone in my shoe
I don’t know what I’ll do
There’s a stone in my shoe
I think I’ll name it after you
Because it does nothing but bring me pain….
and it seems you’re doing just the same…
There’s a stone in my shoe
I think I’ll name it after you
Baby.
And together, we birthed the rap sensation:
TOMATOES! (They’re the way to be)
TOMATOES!
They’re the way to be
If you don’t like Tomatoes don’t talk to me!
I go by the name of Master S-U-E
And I rap better than AMY
Now listen up brothers, mums and kin
If you think Sue’s better than it’s a SIN
And tomatoes? WHAT? They’re so gay
MEATLOAF RULES on this fine day
And in case you didn’t know my names AV
I tell you I’m shreddin’ – Can’t you see?
Whatcha sayin’ meatloaf?
You are a big joke
Tomatoes are the real thing
Better than a Ring Ding
Brrrha-ha-ha-ha TOMATOES!
If you like tomatoes better then it’s your loss
How about meatloaf with tomato sauce?
Yeah Bud! That’s the answer!
I never could sing but I am a dancer!
Rappin’s where’s it’s at, wouldn’t you say?
We’re gonna Brrha-ha-ha our lives away!
I think the Fat Boys Brahahaha “Human Beat Box” additions are what catapulted it straight to the top of the charts.
How ONE of us isn’t poet laureate by now, I do not know.
I recently noticed several bloggers mention they were bored or unsatisfied with their blogs. Maybe they felt stuck in a rut, maybe they weren’t getting the readers they wanted, maybe they just got sick of looking at it. I found the repetition interesting; like the whole blogging community had been hit by an ennui bomb.
It particularly interested me, because I was suffering the same problem. I’m not every-day-happenings blogger, I don’t have a particular theme, I’m not political/relationship/fashion/food/mommy oriented, so I don’t really have a focus audience. Blah blah blah.
So, I started a new project! And I’d really love it if some of my bloggy-friends and/or readers would help!
The new blog is at http://www.lifessuggestionbox.com.
Here’s the idea:
1. Visitors/readers submit story ideas, usually in the form of a complaint.
For example:
My boyfriend always uses the last of the toilet paper and NEVER replaces it!!!
2. The writers pen a witty story/response.
Once they submit the idea, the suggestion goes into The Box where the writers live. They write a humorous story/response to this person’s problem in the hopes of being fed a tuna fish sandwich and vodka. Your story is then posted on the site for all to enjoy.
Why this is fun for readers/visitors:
1. You get to complain about things and force trapped writers to turn your moaning into a fun and funny story.
2. You can send a link to this story to someone else, ANONYMOUSLY if you like. This person might be the victim (the person that pisses you off), or a friend who you know feels the same way so the two of you can titter like school girls over your inside joke. We know how you are.
3. Some stories are turned into tee shirts which would make fun, super-personalized gifts. If you want to ensure your story is created, or that it is private (not posted on the site) or SUPER personal (i.e. this is why my wife, Susan Smith is a dweeb) you can request that as well.
Imagine a baby shower, for example, where every girl got a t-shirt complaining about a particular baby annoyance. Or a bachelorette party where every girl had the story of something goofy they did on the back. You get the idea.
4. You can trap cute people. If you stand near a cute person in a bar, they’ll HAVE to start reading this fascinating tee shirt. Then you can turn and tell them what it is all about and gather enough information to stalk them.
Why writers should participate:
1. You can whine/solve your own problems (or ask to view the list of problems waiting for stories.)
2. Not everyone will be published – there is a little team of “Yea” or “Nayers” who decided if a bit is funny enough for the site, so it is a challenge too. Any old crap I write is published though, so don’t bother pointing out how your stuff was better than mine. I know.
2. You get your stuff posted somewhere other than your own blog. Not that you don’t already, but all links back to your blog are good in the eyes of Google. Writers are credited and links back to their blogs/emails provided at the top of each post.
3. If your story is turned into a tee shirt, you’ll get a cut anytime one is sold. Not totally sure what the margin is on this yet… probably like $4-5.
And probably all sorts of other things I haven’t thought of yet.
Any ideas/thoughts/suggestions/comments welcome!
First published in The Yellow Ham
Was “execute the perfect practical joke” on your bucket list? If so, congratulations! Head straight to ‘swimming with dolphins’ and pack your bags for Machu Picchu. Really, I’m honored you chose me as an integral part of reaching your goal. I’m only sorry you couldn’t be there for the hilarity that ensued when I opened that Styrofoam container and saw dried grapes dotting my “plain” bagels like a festive smattering of rat turds.
My first thought was: “Did I order a raisin bagel?” I knew I didn’t, of course, but I was SO tired from being up all night. Really, it took all my energy to drag myself to your neon-orange doorstep and order those plain bagels to-go. I wouldn’t have expended the effort, except the man holding my family hostage said if I fetched some plain bagels he would set us free. Tying us up had left him peckish. Then he rambled on, something about his mother. I thought it best not to probe, what with him already threatening to disembowel us with our own cutlery.
You know what he mentioned hating, besides his mother? RAISIN BAGELS. Which is what made it so deliciously ironic that you took it upon yourself to pack me bagels of that variety. Especially after I ordered: “Plain bagels, please.” Remember that part? Where I walked in the store and said, “Two bagels please, just plain old bagels, not toasted or anything, just plain with cream cheese on the side?” Of course you do. I said the word “plain” three times, so you were spot on giving me the raisin bagels. SO much funnier.
