Archive for 2011
Introducing Boobs McCannon
Posted by Amy Vansant in Humor Blogs Wednesday, 21 December 2011 01:20 12 Comments
What do you get when you combine a female-favored programming style like “soap operas,” with manly subject matter like “gangsters?” You get HBO’s The Sopranos, which sent competitors to sleep with the fishes for the six seasons it ruled Sunday nights. Taking a page from HBO’s playbook, Starz has invested heavily in what they call “original transgendered programming” (and then quickly retitled “Ladies and Men Entertainment” after “transgendered” caused some confusion).
First to be released from their new, division is next season’s “Midnight Blues” mystery series, starring detectives Casey Sullivan and Boobs McCannon.
We’ve been lucky enough to get our hands on leaked information from the show’s first episode.
Excerpt:
Casey stepped under the yellow tape and held it aloft to allow Boobs to follow. The two women approached the crime scene, the thin cloth that covered the body already stained with a red nearly as crimson as Detective Boobs McCannon’s bee-stung lips.
“What do we have here, Marcus?” Casey asked the buff, young coroner, peeking beneath a corner of the cloth. She ran a hand through her short, sassy hair.
“Gunshot wound,” said Marcus, peeling back the sheet to reveal a hole in the victim’s forehead. As he did so, the muscles in his arms bulged, the sheen of the summer heat reflecting on his coffee skin. “We have ID; it’s Colt Leatherchaps, quarterback of the Mustangs.”
“That’s hot,” breathed Boobs.
“He’s been dead over 24 hours, Boobs” quipped Casey. “He’s actually quite cold now.”
Boobs giggled and leaned forward for a closer look, her tight-fitting blouse’s buttons giving up hope of holding back her ample cleavage and springing clear.
40 Year-Old Me Meets 20 Year-Old Me
Posted by Amy Vansant in Humor Blogs, Published on Other Sites, Women's Humor Tuesday, 13 December 2011 05:04 26 Comments
First seen in Skirt! Magazine.
I look at the woman sitting in my aisle of the plane. She is young. She is familiar. My god, she’s ravishing.
“Wait, are you…?
She nods. “Yep. I’m YOU, 20 years younger. Surprise!”
I gasp and flop down in the seat beside her. Ok, maybe she isn’t ravishing, but she’s 20 years younger than me, and that is about as ravishing as I ever was.
This is IT. This is the moment when I tell Young Me all the things I wish I knew then. Either that, or I’m in a Lincoln Financial commercial and I’m supposed to tell Young Me how proud I am she’s saving money by flying in coach. Like she had a choice.
No, that’s not it. My idea of saving money is not feeding a parking meter and gambling the ticket lady won’t stroll by.
I clap my hands together, giddy with excitement. “Do I have things I want to tell you!”
Young Me seems happy to see me, but she has dark circles beneath her eyes, marring otherwise tight, fresh skin. How did I not appreciate that skin? I make a mental note to tell her to wear sunscreen.
“Can I guess why you look so tired?” I ask. “Were you up all night talking your overly-dramatic boyfriend out of throwing himself off the porch?”
She nods. “Our first-floor porch, five feet from the grass.”
“Riiight… You have four more years of that to look forward to.”
Young Me is alarmed. “Four? But we’re soul mates! What happens in four years?”
“In four years you spend all the money you have buying him a ticket to grad school in Hawaii.”
“I do? By himself? Why?”
“Distance makes it a LOT easier to break up with him. After missing your chance to do semester abroad and all sorts of other fun college things, you realize that taking care of him is making you lose yourself. This epiphany arrives right after you catch your “soul mate” flirting with another girl on the phone. I wish I knew who she was so I could send her a thank you card now…”
Inspirational Scented Candles
Posted by Amy Vansant in Humor Blogs, Literary Humor, Published on Other Sites Wednesday, 7 December 2011 09:46 11 Comments
This was originally published on YouOnlyAwesomer! a collaboration between myself and Becky Cardwell of JustMakingConvo.com full of helpful (ahem) tips for being an AWESOMER you! I won’t always post things on here, too – Doing it so you know to go and sign up for notifications from that site or follow it on twitter or you’ll miss out… Seriously. It’s going to be huge. Like, snuffleupagus huge.
Making your own candles at home is a fulfilling hobby enjoyed by the Amish and people in Christmas sweaters worldwide. Candles make great holiday gifts that say: “I think enough of you to give you the gift of light and love. And bits of cat fur that were trapped in the mold. Mr. Mittens like to see what I’m up to! HA! But seriously, sorry about the fur.”
They may be sexy, but those glass jars from Yankee Candle just don’t talk to people the way homemade candles do. Even if they do have inspiring names like “Christmas at the Beach” which is like sun, sand, presents AND trees all in one! CRAZY! (except in the Southern Hemisphere where it is really quite common.)
Learning to make your own candles is easy, but it is also easy to fall into the age-old trap of creating familiar scents like pine and cinnamon. Anyone can make a vanilla candle. Think outside the beehive patterned mold. What if you could create happiness and emotional health with your candles?
Ask yourself: What does burning happiness smell like?
Here are some inspiring ideas for your next candle making project.
How NOT to Smuggle Cuban Cigars into the United States
Posted by Amy Vansant in Humor Blogs, Published on Other Sites, Travel Humor Wednesday, 30 November 2011 08:10 8 Comments
First seen on Travelated.com a fun and funny travel site you should check out.
My brother-in-law, Gary, is a GENIUS at getting his way. A self-serving savant. Somehow, he managed to institute a rule in MY HOUSE that during visits, I have to make him drinks until 9pm, at which time he must make his own. I don’t know how that happened, but everyone agrees it’s a rule. Gary could label an empty soda bottle “emergency air” and sell it to a stranger on the street. This is why I found it odd and delightful that he failed so miserably at smuggling Cuban cigars back into the United States after our family trip to Mexico.
Without issue, I passed through customs like a ninja, or like an aging blonde whose complete inability to properly apply eyeliner erased any possibility of hidden talents like spying or smuggling Russian nesting dolls made out of treated cocaine. It could have been the clever way I held my passport next to my face and said, “It’s me! Ha!” before handing it to the customs lady. (They love that.) However I accomplished it, they didn’t single me out for luggage check.
Gary was not so lucky. Security pulled the only member of our group doing anything vaguely illegal off to the side. At our resort, even our morning toast came deep fried, so we were all smuggling five extra pounds of converted Mexican food. Gary wasn’t the only one looking bulkier on the way home. I guess airport security’s instincts were just bang on that day.
An affable security officer unzipped Gary’s luggage and discovered three Cuban cigars attempting to find asylum in the United States.
The guy looked at Gary. Gary offered his most charming smile.
“Are these your cigars?” asked the guy.
Gary nodded. “Yep!”
Protecting Yourself from Tiny Petri Dishes
Posted by Amy Vansant in Cartoons & Photos Sunday, 27 November 2011 12:23 17 Comments
Last time I visited the nieces I came away with a flu that lasted 3+ weeks. This is how Mike and I showed up for Thanksgiving.
