Brad Pitt Chanel Commercial

By
Amy Vansant

Brad Pitt Chanel commercialThe new Brad Pitt Chanel commercial has been described as “smoldering.”

If they mean “smoldering” like Christian-Bale-in-American-Psycho-getting-his-business-card-trumped smoldering, then yes, I agree.

In the Brad Pitt Chanel commercial, Brad plays that guy. You know that guy. He holds eye contact for too long. He stares off into middle distance as he waxes Hallmark-poetic about his painful life as a misunderstood musician/mixed-media artist. He laments that few women have known the depths of his tortured soul, with the possible exception of that nightingale of sorrow, Sarah McLachlan. Oh, and Trent Reznor.

He’s that guy who wants to spend hours lovingly body painting your naked torso while reciting 18th century Nordic poetry, and then make a woman suit out of your skin. The “smoldering” will be your bones in an abandoned industrial space fire pit.

Luckily, the Brad Pitt Chanel commercial is so jaw-droppingly ludicrous, you won’t worry Brad spent the day dancing in front of a full length mirror with his junk tucked between his legs and Angie’s enormous dismembered lips pressed over his own.

What you DO know, is that somewhere, George Clooney is laughing his ass off.

There is a 98% chance George Clooney bet Brad Pitt $5 that he wouldn’t rock a Van Dyke beard/greasy poet locks and recite a script Clooney himself wrote on the back of a napkin with The Big Book of Deep & Romantic Platitudes open beside him, and then film the whole mess for a new Chanel No. 5 commercial. Because once you see the Brad Pitt Chanel commercial, you know he didn’t sell every ounce of Pitt cool for a mere 7 million dollar paycheck.

Or maybe it was the money. College tuition for 43 kids is a bitch.

Or maybe it made him COOLER. He knows it’s hysterical and that is WHY he did it.

The second the Brad Pitt Chanel commercial aired, Saturday Night Live writers called an emergency meeting to start developing a parody, and then said “Screw it.  We can’t make it any funnier.”

The words from the script of the Brad Pitt Chanel commercial:

It’s not a journey. Every journey ends, but we go on. The world turns and we turn with it. Plans disappear. Dreams take over. But wherever I go, there you are. My luck, my fate, my fortune. Chanel No. 5. Inevitable.

That last word was a reference to the parodies about to flood the media.

The Brad Pitt Chanel Commercial

For the whole black and white (naturally) commercial, the lighting shifts, like there is a bare bulb above Pitt swinging back and forth. It kind of makes me feel like James Bond is being abandon-warehouse tortured just off camera.

Pitt rolls his eyes as finishes the line: “Every journey ends, but we go on” as if in his head, even he is finishing with “on and on to the break of dawn.”

But no. This is the horrifying moment I realized he might do the whole commercial with a straight face.

As he says “The world turns and we turn with it” Brad looks to the left, and I had one last flash of hope that he would add “Like sands through the hour glass… so are the days of our lives…”

Nope. From start to finish, whole Brad Pitt Chanel commercial is 50 Shades of corny.

A slow clap to you Mr. Clooney, wherever you are.  Even if you weren’t responsible, you are going to LOVE THIS.

The Brad Pitt Chanel commercial might even be funnier than my favorite perfume commercial of all time: Saturday Night Live’s “Red Flag” starring Kristen Wiig.

Nah. Wiig still wins by a nose.