Life’s Suggestion Box – Designer Jean Sizes Suck

By
Abby Heugel
Why are designer jean sizes off by like three or four sizes? I’m usually a six. In Seven for All Mankind Jeans, I’m like a 12. It’s bullshit. — Elizabeth

 


Dear Elizabeth,

I do agree that it’s bullshit, and by “it’s,” I mean the fact that you are paying for designer jeans.

Let’s think about this for a minute. They are blue jeans—denim pants that have been around since 1873. They were originally created for farmers who could often be found with their arm stuck up the ass of a cow while performing artificial insemination. The only size they were worried about was that of the long plastic glove.

Fast-forward a few decades and we have “designer” brands from people that charge ridiculous amounts of money for what is basically the same product, albeit complete with a fancy little logo on the tag, possibly a little bling on the butt and a guaranteed air of “I paid $100 for this pair of pants because I want you to stare at my ass” built into the fabric.

Sometimes the better brands do fit more properly than a normal pair picked off the rack at GAP or Old Navy, and I agree that every woman needs a pair of pants that make her feel confident—even if it’s only while she is artificially inseminating a large farm animal.

With that said, it’s possible that your size six ass is really a size 12 in the world of fancy fashion. That’s just how things go. You have to decide what’s more important—the name on the tag that’s exposed for the world to see or the size on the tag tucked inside, nestled right up against your overpriced Victoria’s Secret underwear that cost more than the 10-pack of Hanes you could pick up at Kohls.

So I say unless the designer jeans can help you do math and realize that a size six and a size 12 is more than “off by three or four sizes,” you’re better off letting go of labels in general and camping out in yoga pants, as they’re much more comfortable anyway.

P.S. I just realized I could have avoided this whole reply by simply saying that most guys are much more interested in getting into those pants than in what brand of jeans those pants are. Yes, it’s bullshit, so save yourself the stress—and money. Levi’s for the win.