My Bullied Bus Monitor Video Would be a Little Different

By
Amy Vansant

$650,000 for being picked-on by children? Really?

Unless you’re a Tibetan monk who’s taken a vow to avoid the 24-hour news cycle, by now you’ve seen the video of bus monitor Karen Klein mercilessly abused by a pack of brats (it’s below if you haven’t).  A guy named Max Sidorov started a fundraising campaign on indiegogo.com to raise enough  money to send this patient lady on a nice vacation.  The goal: $5000.

The campaign made over $650,000 in donations, which means Klein’s future worries will be confined to brats roaming Virgin Atlantic’s first-class seating to Paris.

Where was Max Sidorov when I was 12 and that horrible girl started a slap fight with me? Of course, she ended up jacked against the wall until she calmed down, at which time I released her.  Here’s a quick tip for bullies: Tiny bitches should not start physical fights with Future German Hausfraus of America.

I’m proud I restrained myself from smacking sense into that Chihuahua of a girl. But, even captured on film, I doubt it would have garnered me the sympathy heaped upon the bus monitor. In fact, my defending myself could have made ME look like the bully.

I’ve been doing it all wrong. I had no idea being a victim could be so lucrative. My reactions, particularly to rude kids, are generally more like Kristin Wiig as Annie in Bridesmaids:

Annie: ”Oh, I feel bad for your parents.”
13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: ”I feel bad for your face.”
Annie: ”Okay, well, call me when your boobs come in.”
Girl: ”You call me when yours come in.”
Annie: ”What do you have, four boyfriends?”
Girl: ”Exactly.”
Annie: ”Okay, yeah, have fun having a baby at your prom.”
Girl: ”You look like an old mop.”
Annie: ”You know, you’re not as popular as you think you are.”
Girl: ”I am very popular.”
Annie: (sticks tongue in cheek and mimics fellatio) “Oh, I’m sure you are verrrry popular.”
Girl: ”Well, you’re an old, single loser who’s never going to have any friends.”
Annie: ”You’re a little c***!”

It’s ironic that the anti-bullying zeitgeist’s representative hero would be an elderly bus monitor, when the shows like Glee that helped ignite the movement did so by featuring kids historically singled out by their peers for verbal, mental and physical abuse. On the Today Show Klein stated, ”It’s like I almost don’t feel like I deserve it.”
Almost? No, sorry, dear. There’s no “almost” about it. I really feel for you, I even choked up a little watching the video, but $650,000 for being teased by kids you technically had the ability to report is like giving an Oscar to the kid who played “tree on the left”  in the local Kindergarten play.  Klein has a big family and I really can’t blame her if she spends every cent on them, but I hope, as she promised, she’ll give a little to a good anti-bullying charity. Or pays a really cool kid to make those little asses’  lives a living hell. Sometimes two wrongs just feels so good. And there is little evidence their parents are up to the job.

I thought to make money as a victim you had to throw yourself in front of a bus or slam on your breaks and cry whiplash; both of which sound painful. Now I know I can just place myself near some bratty kids, resist the urge to defend myself, and wait for the magic. 

So if you’re looking for me, I’ll be in the front yard, wearing my most unflattering outfit, screaming at kids to get off my lawn.

Bring your iPhone.