Tea Vs. Coffee

By
Amy Vansant


Kind of like Vampires vs. Werewolves, only slightly less stupid.*

 

Caffeine Level

When I drink coffee, the rush is like a punch in the mouth by pre-Buster Douglas Mike Tyson. When I drink tea, it’s like a slap in the face with an empty glove by a sissified Scarlet Pimpernel.

 

Taste & Variety

The bitter bite of coffee demands more attention than the mellow flavors of tea. But on the other hand, tea comes in many different styles and flavors, so we have to tip a cap to herbal when it comes to variety. I have a deep love of the bergamot flavor of Earl Grey. I have no idea what bergamot is, but I’m pretty sure they use it in Fruity Pebbles, too.

Ordering Out

Ordering coffee requires only a few words: Cream, Sugar, Black. Sure, you can order a Venti half-caf, half-foam, soy-latte, extra-hot, but if you do, there is a fairly good chance you take yourself way too seriously, and I’d appreciate it if you took your jittery little ass elsewhere . What’s next? Half-skin chicken breasts?  Burger King says, “Have it your way.” Maybe next time ask for a half-must-half-ketch with 3mm thick pickles.

Thanks to tea’s endless flavor possibilities, ordering herbals can be even more difficult. Some establishments present diners with custom wooden tea cases, allowing them to peruse little aisles of teas.  I have been offered the tea coffin before, and had to wildly giggle while choosing so nearby diners would understand I wasn’t Miss Fancy Tea and that didn’t expect my tea bags brought to me in a felt-lined box. My dueling pistols, yes. My tea, no.

 

Presentation

Coffee can come with fancy designs in the foam. Can come with chocolate stirring sticks. Can come with whipped cream and sprinkles.

Tea can have a piece of fruit hanging on the side of the cup. If I have fruit hanging from the side of glass, there should be rum in it.

 

Compatibility With Booze

Tea and alcohol just don’t really mix. You can add things like Firefly to make sweet tea or add whiskey if you’re dying of cholera in 1822, but it’s like putting Angelina and Brad in the same room with Jennifer Aniston. You can do it, and it happens, but it is awkward.

Coffee wins this category, hands down. You can experiment almost endlessly, and I do. Some of my favorites:

The Girl Scout Cookie

Peppermint Schnapps, (or peppermint extract) &  chocolate syrup

The Almond Joy

Amaretto, Malibu Coconut Rum & Chocolate liqueur. (Also can be done booze-less: almond extract, coconut extract and chocolate syrup, because sometimes you feel like a nut – sometimes you don’t.)

The Chocolate Orange

Grand Marinier and chocolate syrup.

The Easter Egg

Coconut rum and chocolate syrup.

The Not-So-Frozen Banana

Banana liquor and chocolate syrup.**

 

 Conclusion

The winner, for me, is COFFEE. I like a nice cup of tea, but no matter how hard it tries, tea will always be Jan Brady to coffee’s Marsha.

 

*Vampires win hands down. Duh. Vampires have mind control over animals. Done. Short version of the argument over.  I am willing to take this battle on with any and all takers, because as a person, I’m really more of a Jan and am prone to fall into really geeky conversations.

**I like chocolate syrup.