Email This Post HomeHumorThe Dog Opens a Vomitorium Amy Vansant October 24, 2012 Humor 38 Comments According to Wikipedia, a vomitorium is “a passage situated below or behind a tier of seats in an amphitheater or a stadium.” Sometimes Wikipedia just blows all the fun ideas you had about a fact, word or bit of history. Worse, when you try to edit Wikipedia so that “Fascist” really does mean “anyone who disagrees with you” they remove it. Fascists. Anyway, regarding the vomitorium, Wikipedia does mention “there is a common misconception that ancient Romans designated spaces called vomitoria for the purpose of actual vomiting, as part of a binge and purge cycle.” EXACTLY. That’s the one I’m talking about. Welcome to the Vomitorium! Mike and I were getting ready to take the dog, Gordon Labradoodle, for a walk yesterday when he started licking his lips. A lot. Usually, when he’s about to barf, he’ll start licking like he has a bit of tissue stuck to the end of his tongue. “Are you going to barf?” I asked him. He tried to ignore me, which was weird, because normally he’d answer me. Then he crooked his neck down and looked up at me with those “I am SO going to barf,” eyes. Before I could do anything, he started gagging the dog #1 Billboard hit, “Hrmph hrmph hrmph” like an engine that wouldn’t turn over. As is my custom, I made a death lunge for the nearest thing that could catch barf. A towel, a worn shirt, several socks scrunched together, paper, the iPad; I’ve employed a plethora of barf catching tools in the past. Usually, this maneuver is done in the dead of night when I’m half asleep, so I felt way ahead of the game. I spotted a used hand towel just a foot from the future Scene of the Vomiting. Clearly, Lady Luck was on my side. Unfortunately, Gordon was lying perched in such a way that his only option was to vomit directly off the end of the bed. I tried to stabilize the flimsy hand towel in front of his mouth in the hopes of capturing the bulk of the barf mid-air. I remember hoping it would be one of those petite, foamy little yellow-bile barfs. How naive I was. Gordon projectile vomited the remains of a full grown water buffalo into the hand towel, which, though it appeared deceptively fuzzy and absorbent, did not trap the vomit. The barf instead BOUNCED off the towel, skipping like a chunky liquid stone off the surface and arching gracefully onto my shirt and splattering to the ground around me. Happy to check that off his list for the day, the dog licked his lips and went back to being excited about the walk, no different than he had been 10 minutes earlier, but for the yellow gruel dripping down his hairy little chin. I surveyed the damage. One of Mike’s enormous fuzzy moccasin-style slippers was now a vessel for puke in a myriad of colors, shapes and textures. It was just like the old days when real Indians used to make southwest hash browns in their moccasins (source: Wikipedia, but hurry) “Looks like your slipper caught most of it,” I said to Mike, picking up the slipper and trying to hand it to him. My thought was he could clean the slipper while I took care of my shirt, the dog’s chin and the floor. Wild-eyed and waving his hands like he was casting a spell, Mike warded me off like I had just tried to hand him a fuzzy slipper full of vomit. He turned and ran out of the room. I followed Mike to find him gagging in the hallway bathroom, which nearly made me technicolor yawn myself. The only thing that distracted me from joining the vomitorium were the dulcet tones of the dog preparing to vomit again, back in the bedroom. I spun on my heels and bolted back to try and catch it before he filled the other slipper. Luckily, Gordon had remembered the first rule of Dog Barf Club is “Always barf on the hardest thing to clean” and had finished up on the comforter. So how was your morning? About Latest Posts Amy VansantAmy Vansant is a USA Today and Wall Street Journal Best-Selling author specializing in fun, funny fiction --- even the murder mysteries. Latest posts by Amy Vansant (see all) Reptile Housewives of Jupiter, Giveaway and Book Deals - June 20, 2019 JupUp? Turtles, crabs and birds (oh my) in Jupiter Florida, Giveaway and Book Deals - June 15, 2019 Local Ebay is a Nightmare, Book Giveaway – Steals & Deals - June 2, 2019 38 Responses Abby October 24, 2012 Ugh. Chauncey is usually really good and lets us know when he’s going to puke. He’ll also lick his lips and scoot to the back door to go outside, which at least is on the kitchen floor and not the carpet. But he’s little-no projectile volcanic eruptions of vomit when he does yack. As for the cat, I end up chasing her around with a towel when the noise starts, which scares here and ends up creating a hairball/puke trail throughout the house. Lucky for us all, I never follow the leader and puke myself. It takes much more than that 😉 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant October 24, 2012 You have no idea how lucky you are. Both Gordon and his cousin, Brock, will run for MILES to find a carpet to barf on (and in Brock’s case, poop on. Moron.) Gordon won’t even eat a bone on a hard floor. He’ll find a 2″ x 2″ piece of cloth and eat on top of that. In all fairness, Mike has been wrestling a stomach flu, so he was a little hair trigger… 1 likes Reply billmajor October 24, 2012 hahahahaha thats funny ! 0 likes Jenbug October 24, 2012 Apparently, it was better than yours. Yuck! 1 likes Reply wardegus October 24, 2012 All three of my animals are pukers. I’ve long given up trying to catch it but instead focus on moving them to an easily cleanable surface. When I hear their retching sound I spring into action and chase them off the bed or rug or whatever. 1 likes Reply Amy Vansant October 24, 2012 Gordon is 65lbs and has the ability to make himself weigh approximately 2667lbs if someone tries to move him – to make room on the bed, or to relocate a barf, for example. 1 likes Reply SarcasticNinja October 24, 2012 Man, that ”Hrmph hrmph hrmph” song was so overplayed. I was glad when it finally was knocked off the charts by “I Like it Ruff (When I Hump Your Leg).” 1 likes Reply kath galasso October 24, 2012 Well, mine’s usually controllable incontinence issue is not so controllable today. My favorite barf move, is grabbing her by the collar and dragging her large, furry ass to the area of least destruction. Sometimes it works. Then there are the rare occasions when she actually moves from a carpeted area to the tiled kitchen floor, all on her own. And yes, I have one of those men with the gag reflex. Like WTF is with that? They can down 43 shots of vodka, 12 beers and nachos and be fine. A dog starts to get queasy and that they can’t handle. How many more lifetimes until women run the world? Just asking. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant October 24, 2012 You made that bit about her moving on her own up, didn’t you? Mike already had some tummy issues, so I’m letting this one pass. (whispering) Cool. Keep saying in public we don’t already rule the world and they won’t realize we already do. Nice job. 0 likes Reply kath galasso October 24, 2012 Actually, I didn’t make it up. She has done it on at least 3 occasions. I can only attribute this to her being a rescue dog and her previous owners must have taught her good manners. It sure as shit wasn’t us. 1 likes Jessica October 24, 2012 I’ve done this dance – but with the kids. They’ve actually convinced me, with their various forms of stomach pyrotechnics over the years, that I never want a pet of any sort (unless they can find one without a digestive system). Hope your day picks up! Although really… how could it not? 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant October 24, 2012 Kid vomit would get to me. I’m sure, after a while, I’d grow numb to it like I have to dog vomit, but when I’m around kids and they burp up I have to look away quick and start thinking about flowers and unicorns… 0 likes Reply Laura October 24, 2012 I once witnessed a friend being vomited on by her toddler – that was the moment I decided “oh HELL no!” to having kids. We have cats – and yes, they do vomit too. But if they start to vomit while on me I have absolutely no compunction about tossing them across the room! We solved the carpet problem by not having any: laminate throughout the house makes for easy cleanups. 1 likes Reply Carrie October 24, 2012 I think I just peed my pants laughing, which is unfortunate since I’m at work. Also, yesterday when I got home from work I was taking my jewelry off in my bedroom when I heard the hrmph hrmph hrmph — I quickly looked around and realized it was coming from UNDER the bed so naturally I started screaming “do NOT barf under my bed. Stop, Get out of there!” Spike just acted like I was speaking human and ignored me. Bastard. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant October 24, 2012 OOH! The under the bed SUCKS! 1 likes Reply Carrie October 24, 2012 right? and it’s always the middle of under the bed and how the hell do you reach that? 0 likes Tiffany N. York October 24, 2012 And here I thought I was the only one in the world who started off today with puke. I have a bulimic cat. She throws up immediately after she eats–nice big chunks of undigested food mixed with bile, grass, and fur. Always on the carpet, even though half my house has floor. I too, scream “Nooooooo!!!” which causes her to run, spreading drops of joy everywhere. My diva Chihuahua’s the easy one. She just poops and pees on the carpet. Much easier to clean up. Unless of course it’s diarrhea. Anyway, I can pretty much gauge how my day is gonna go, depending on whether the cat throws up or not. 2 likes Reply Amy Vansant October 24, 2012 Holy hell. That is a lot of bodily fluids. 0 likes Reply Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point October 24, 2012 I can’t wait until next spring to go see Shakespeare at the Park at our local amphitheater. I’m going to vomit all over those passages situated below or behind tiers of seats. 0 likes Reply Michele Drier October 24, 2012 Want a cat? He coughs up his hairballs strategically, right beside the bed where I’ll step on it on the way to the bathroom. OK, off to buy another keyboard because I spit coffee all over thissssmmmmmone. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant October 25, 2012 Gosh, he sounds delightful but I’m allergic. Sorry! 0 likes Reply Tiffany N. York October 25, 2012 Ironically, everyone seems to be allergic to cats. Hmmmmm 0 likes Nicole October 24, 2012 Poetry. Sheer poetry. Mojo read it over my shoulder to learn how to make his barfs more fun. 1 likes Reply Nina Potts October 25, 2012 Only people who have had to clean up animal vomit repeatedly can understand this. I once dove for the floor, hands cupped and outstretched, barely catching the vomit as it escaped my cats mouth. Many people will shudder at this. However, I had JUST had my carpets cleaned, and the cat was of course on the freshly cleaned carpet. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant October 25, 2012 Yes, I think all pet owners harbor secret shame over some of the things we’ve done in the interest of time, saving carpets, etc. 0 likes Reply Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd October 25, 2012 Our previous dog would get up off of linoleum, tile, etc, and seek out carpet to vomit on. So carpet was her vomitorium, and it was really, really annoying. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant October 25, 2012 Yep. That’s Gordon. HAS to be carpet. And since we have all hardwood, the bed makes a good fallback. 0 likes Reply Lynn Kellan October 26, 2012 Well, at least he didn’t barf on your pillow… 1 likes Reply soynailcider October 27, 2012 Why is it they get into this trance as you try to guide them to a tiled area? Poor things. On the other hand..I am the one you will find gagging in the hallway. 0 likes Reply Julie October 27, 2012 OMG…this is the funniest thing I’ve read in a while. And SOOO true! I have a cat that I swear goes out of his way to vomit in places that are impossible to clean…like window tracks… 1 likes Reply Amy Vansant October 28, 2012 Ooh window tracks. What a PAIN. Your cat is a genius! 0 likes Reply Tammy October 29, 2012 All 4 of my cats puke everywhere, all the time. And the dog – if I’m not lightning fast – will eat the puke. So gross. 1 likes Reply Tiffany N. York October 29, 2012 Am I the only one who wishes the dog would eat the cat puke so I didn’t have to clean it up instead? 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant October 31, 2012 No… though I hate it when I take the dog to the house of someone with a cat and he tears through the place looking for poop to eat. That’s not my son. That’s not my smart beautiful boy… 0 likes Mistress Bedlam January 22, 2013 I laughed so hard at this tears ran down my leg. 0 likes Reply Magda Holets April 5, 2013 Keeping socks on your baby’s feet is no simple task. One little kick, a tug at the toes and they’re off. And of course it’s always one sock from every pair that gets lost!` Our own web-site <,http://www.beautyfashiondigest.com/scalp-sores/ 0 likes Reply Virginia Fair July 12, 2013 Thanks for this re-run. I am struck by the synchronicity of it appearing on a morning when my sleep was interrupted by the feline version of hrmph, hrmph, hrmph, which is ghnk, ghnk, ghnk. Dashing through the living room, turning on lights as I entered the dining room, I was too late. I found a hairball sausage swimming in clear liquid – a two squares of paper towel capacity. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant July 12, 2013 Thanks for the visual! 0 likes Reply Leave a Reply to Virginia Fair Cancel Reply Your email address will not be published.CommentName* Email* Website Add me to Amy Vansant's Humor Newsletter!