Tips for Black Friday Mall Shopping

By
Amy Vansant

My mother and I were once in a local paper photo standing at the top of an escalator in a story about Black Friday shopping, so, as a documented expert, I thought I’d offer you a few tips to help you get the most out of your Black Friday experience.

  1. Black Friday can be a long frustrating day and if you’re physically traveling to a mall, chances are you’re over 50 and think using your credit card online instantly activates the hidden cameras the liberal media have installed in the walls of your home. Be sure to put on a clean pair of Depends.
  2. Don’t share “Black Friday” jokes with checkout people that involve hip hop music or the love lives of the Kardashians. It’s not only hack, but if they politely laugh you’ll think you’re funny, not racist, and you’ll just never learn that way.
  3. Bring the ads with you so you can angrily point to them as you engage in arguments at every checkout line. Also handy for building papier mache dummies of Sam Walton to burn in effigy during the rioting hours between 6am and 1pm.
  4. Ask for gift receipts because the grand kids haven’t wanted anything you’ve given them since Candyland.
  5. Do use your credit card in the store. If you pull out a checkbook or count cash with 10 people waiting in line behind you, there’s a 50/50 chance you’ll be the clean up in aisle 3.
  6. Beat the crowds by going to night sales on Thanksgiving eve. Family always prefers your gifts over your conversation.
  7. Drink heavily.
  8. Don’t eat the hot dogs they sell in the stores. They’re made with the crushed bodies of last year’s Black Friday shoppers.
  9. If shopping for a tween girl, when in doubt, buy something with “Bieber” on it.
  10. If shopping for a boy, when in doubt, buy porn.
  11. Horse tranq people in your way Dexter-style. If you want to take the time to wrap them up naked in plastic you can – no one will notice.
  12. When you eventually go on a killing spree from the stress, and you will, blame it on the Christmas carols being piped into every store. Odds are good that was it.