When Italian Seasonings Attack

By
Amy Vansant

What are Italian Seasonings?

A blend of dried herbs, usually including oregano, basil, rosemary, thyme, sage, marjoram, and red pepper.

In New Jersey, where I grew up in little Sicily, Italian seasonings are considered a food group, much the way hair gel was considered a “necessity,” ranking just between food and air.

What are Italian Seasonings in the hand of a man who started the Italian meal with the Italian wine perhaps a touch too early?

  • a fire smothering agent
  • a pizza destroying herb
  • a new pizza style that will never catch on
  • all of the above

I first heard the anguished cries of my beloved Mikey when he forgot to put sauce on the little pita pizza he was making. Forgot to put sauce on it. How do you forget to sauce a pizza??

Then I heard, “OH NO. …. Oh no…. Oh NOoo…”

“What now?” I asked, heading into the kitchen to be sure he didn’t remove a digit. That’s when I saw this:

Italian seasonings

 

A pizza with 3″ of Italian seasonings on top.

“How the hell did you do that?” I asked. That’s when he pointed to the Italian seasonings jar next to the pizza.

Italian seasonings

Ah, the old “opened the scoop-out side instead of the shaker side of the Italian seasonings” trick.

It fixable? A pizza that looks he stopped half way through making it to hay the horses?

I’ve heard sometimes pot dealers sell dumb kids oregano in baggies and pretend it is pot, but I don’t know where to find a dozen dumb kids to carefully scrape this mess into rolling paper.

Perhaps a herd of tiny alpacas?*

italian seasonings

I thought the Great Pyrenees dog there to watch over them was a nice touch, in case there are tiny wolves in the area.

 

Special thanks to Victory Ranch Alpacas for the use of their alpaca photo. (they’re full sized in real life.)

* Don’t really feed Italian seasonings to alpacas. Especially tiny ones.